Well, after a series of mismatches, misunderstandings and misfires, I have again come to understand more about where I am in life. It's a heavy epiphany much like the others that are recorded here, but this one leaves me with more questions than answers. And again, this morsel of knowledge, while it appears as a new revelation to me, is most assuredly plain to see for the rest of the world. And so here it is that I put it out there with embarrassment and humility "I am not really ready to participate in any sort of romantic / relationship". Wow, amazing conclusion, I know. There are a thousand cliché's running through my mind, "you never know until you try", etc. etc. etc. The cliche's don't offer any solace for the setback or motivation to move forward; they just fall flat like warm beer.
I'm not where I thought I was and that is disappointing. The road ahead seemed to have plateaued, straightened out and the scenery was changing. It's not like I regressed, I didn't go backwards. My mental fortitude and emotional stability have grown, they really have. The latest attempts to connect with the opposite sex have not resulted in the same self loathing and pain as before, but instead they have resulted in a WTF just happened attitude.
At the core, I believe the quandary has more to do with my interactions, selection with who I see as an attractive individual more than where I am at emotionally. Why haven't I noticed the yellow and red flags early on? Why do I have to let myself become interested in someone before I pose the difficult questions? When I do see the little glitches, why haven't I trusted my intuition? Do I let my desire for companionship cloud my foresight? Am I looking for the wrong traits to begin with?
For someone who seems determined to make new mistakes rather than repeat the old ones, my desire to get everything I want blocks my intuition and deadens my senses to the warning signs when it is the intuition that should be leading me toward what I desire. At the end of the day, this isn't that complicated, it comes down to being patient. Ready Aim, Fire... there is no hurry, I am growing, changing, evolving... It can't be about how much lead to put into the air or how quickly I can get a shot off, the dueling days are over. This is about enjoying the process, my surroundings, taking pleasure and making the right choice for all time not just to empty the clip.
