Ready Fire, Aim

Well, after a series of mismatches, misunderstandings and misfires, I have again come to understand more about where I am in life.  It's a heavy epiphany much like the others that are recorded here, but this one leaves me with more questions than answers.  And again, this morsel of knowledge, while it appears as a new revelation to me, is most assuredly plain to see for the rest of the world.  And so here it is that I put it out there with embarrassment and humility "I am not really ready to participate in any sort of romantic / relationship".  Wow, amazing conclusion, I know.  There are a thousand cliché's running through my mind, "you never know until you try", etc. etc. etc.  The cliche's don't offer any solace for the setback or motivation to move forward; they just fall flat like warm beer. 

I'm not where I thought I was and that is disappointing.  The road ahead seemed to have plateaued, straightened out and the scenery was changing.  It's not like I regressed, I didn't go backwards.  My mental fortitude and emotional stability have grown, they really have.  The latest attempts to connect with the opposite sex have not resulted in the same self loathing and pain as before, but instead they have resulted in a WTF just happened attitude.

At the core, I believe the quandary has more to do with my interactions, selection with who I see as an attractive individual more than where I am at emotionally.  Why haven't I noticed the yellow and red flags early on?  Why do I have to let myself become interested in someone before I pose the difficult questions?  When I do see the little glitches, why haven't I trusted my intuition?  Do I let my desire for companionship cloud my foresight?  Am I looking for the wrong traits to begin with?

For someone who seems determined to make new mistakes rather than repeat the old ones, my desire to get everything I want blocks my intuition and deadens my senses to the warning signs when it is the intuition that should be leading me toward what I desire.  At the end of the day, this isn't that complicated, it comes down to being patient.  Ready Aim, Fire... there is no hurry, I am growing, changing, evolving... It can't be about how much lead to put into the air or how quickly I can get a shot off, the dueling days are over.  This is about enjoying the process, my surroundings, taking pleasure and making the right choice for all time not just to empty the clip.

Loose Footing / New Game

I don't know many people who enjoy the realization of how needy they are at their core, but today that's where I find myself.  I'm needy, struggling, needing to be independent and self reliant.  How do you gain self reliance without isolation?  I don't want to hurt anymore.  I don't want to seek out that "connection", I want it to seek me out.  I want it to find me.

I'm not giving up on it, I just have more pressing things to resolve, work, the ex, my kids, taxes, debt.  That seems to be enough to put down right now.   I think that I need to be more selfish, I need to keep my thoughts and experiences to myself.  After all, you didn't earn them.  As much as I desired you, as much as I was willing to open my life to you, to risk for you, you didn't earn the right to my inner self.  I risked and was willing to give you the highest seat, but you didn't earn it. You weren't there, you didn't fight the fights I did to get there, you don't know what I feel.  And even as hard as I try to verbalize my experiences, you can't see through my eyes and at the end of the day, you won't understand.  You weren't there because as much as I chose you, you didn't choose me.

Some day it may be different, some day things may change so that what I give away is multiplied and a portion is actually even returned (not that gifts are for getting, but the "I want you to want to do the dishes" concept has deep roots).  But for now what I give away seems to tear at my heart.  It seems to be a piece of me given away only to leave a hole.  So I retreat, wait and wait, then all I have to offer seems to well up and pour out like the rush of a tidal wave only to leave me empty when it is gone.  Only to lay waste to the object of my generosity.  I don't want the emptiness I don't want the tear, I don't want the disappointment.  It is too much too heavy too painful.

My friend Beth says to give it away....she is right and that is where I want to be down the road, but not now.  First I need to be selfish and value me.  Value my ideas, value my vision, value my experiences.  They are mine, they are far from perfect, but they are mine.     They are mine goddammit.....  I don't need validation for them to be genuine, to have worth.  They are who I am... That's all that matters.

Lost for Words

If he would have been my father, there would have come a point where I stretched my wings, pushed back and in some way ignored his sage-like wisdom in the process of making it on my own; instead, I was able to hear him and he made me a better man.

If he would have been my brother, we would have fought like brothers do and I would have competed against him; instead, we ran the race together, I competed with him and he pushed me to be more.

If he would have just been another friend, he might not have taken me into his home when I needed him most; instead, I watched him practice his firm patience and unconditional love first hand and I learned the meaning of grace.

The word MENTOR is too cold to describe him although he taught me volumes, his laughter warmed my heart.

The word COMPADRE' is too aloof to describe him although we shared great adventures, he was steady and my rock.

The perfect word to describe him lies somewhere between ANCHOR and EXAMPLE; between GUIDE and HERO. And although I can't seem to find the right word to describe who he was or what he meant to me......

That word, that meaning, that description whatever it may be, also lies on the tips of the tongues of those who were loved by this great man like I was.