I don't know many people who enjoy the realization of how needy they are at their core, but today that's where I find myself. I'm needy, struggling, needing to be independent and self reliant. How do you gain self reliance without isolation? I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to seek out that "connection", I want it to seek me out. I want it to find me.
I'm not giving up on it, I just have more pressing things to resolve, work, the ex, my kids, taxes, debt. That seems to be enough to put down right now. I think that I need to be more selfish, I need to keep my thoughts and experiences to myself. After all, you didn't earn them. As much as I desired you, as much as I was willing to open my life to you, to risk for you, you didn't earn the right to my inner self. I risked and was willing to give you the highest seat, but you didn't earn it. You weren't there, you didn't fight the fights I did to get there, you don't know what I feel. And even as hard as I try to verbalize my experiences, you can't see through my eyes and at the end of the day, you won't understand. You weren't there because as much as I chose you, you didn't choose me.
Some day it may be different, some day things may change so that what I give away is multiplied and a portion is actually even returned (not that gifts are for getting, but the "I want you to want to do the dishes" concept has deep roots). But for now what I give away seems to tear at my heart. It seems to be a piece of me given away only to leave a hole. So I retreat, wait and wait, then all I have to offer seems to well up and pour out like the rush of a tidal wave only to leave me empty when it is gone. Only to lay waste to the object of my generosity. I don't want the emptiness I don't want the tear, I don't want the disappointment. It is too much too heavy too painful.
My friend Beth says to give it away....she is right and that is where I want to be down the road, but not now. First I need to be selfish and value me. Value my ideas, value my vision, value my experiences. They are mine, they are far from perfect, but they are mine. They are mine goddammit..... I don't need validation for them to be genuine, to have worth. They are who I am... That's all that matters.
